How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows (And Why They Might Be the Best Thing You Ever Do)

By Sam Conroy, Humanist Wedding Celebrant / Edinburgh, Glasgow and all of Scotland

I want to tell you about a moment I witnessed recently at one of my wedding ceremonies in Scotland.

The bride stood oppostite the groom and began to speak her vows. Warm, honest and completely her - and then she reached a line that made the entire room dissolve into laughter.

'I promise to watch more scary movies with you' she said. 'But I won't watch Hush'

The room erupted. Because earlier in the ceremony, her groom had share - as the quirky thing that drives him mad (in humanist ceremonies you can do something called 'the reasons why you love each other and a thing that drives you mad) - that she refuses to watch Hush with him. She had written her vows weeks before. She had no idea that was coming!

Then it was his turn.

Within seconds of beginning his vows he was overcome with emotion - he had tears, his voice was catching - and he thanked her for transforming his life. The bride was crying as he struggled to get the words out. The guests were caught up in the emotion, tears glistening in eyes all around the room. I stood at the side with a lump in my throat, trying very hard to hold it together.

Laughter and tears in the space of 5 minutes. That's what personal vows do.

So let's break it all down.

Do you have to write your own vows at a Scottish wedding?

Absolutely not! And I want to say that clearly, because there’s sometimes an assumption that personal vows are expected or required. They’re not.

In Scotland, your humanist ceremony will already include a deeply personal element. Your celebrant will tell your love story, capture who you are as a couple, and guide you through the legal declaration that makes your marriage official. That alone creates something truly meaningful.

Personal vows are an addition to that. An opportunity, not an obligation. In my experience, it’s roughly a 50/50 split between couples who choose to write their own and those who don’t. Both are completely valid.

Some people simply don’t feel comfortable speaking in front of others. Some describe themselves as “not the wear your heart on your sleeve type.” Some would rather their love be felt in the room than spoken out loud. While others take a private moment just them to share with each other how they feel. All of that is perfectly fine.

But if you’re reading this, you’re probably at least considering it. So let’s talk about how to do it well.

What are personal vows, exactly?

Personal vows are promises you write yourself, in your own words, your own voice, and speak directly to your partner during your ceremony.

They sit alongside the legal declaration (the formal words required to make your marriage legally binding in Scotland) and can be as long or as short as you like. They can be deeply emotional, gently funny, or somewhere beautifully in between.

There are no rules and that’s the point.

Why write your own vows?

Because simply? Nobody knows your relationship like you do.

A celebrant can tell your story, and a great celebrant will tell it beautifully. But there’s something uniquely powerful about hearing the person you love speak their promises directly to you, in words they chose themselves, at the most significant moment of your shared life.

Personal vows create the moments people remember. The line that made everyone laugh. The sentence that made your gran reach for her handkerchief. The promise that made your partner’s face do something you’ll never quite forget.

They also give you something to look back on. Words that are entirely yours, captured forever.

How do you actually write them?

This is where most couples get stuck. The blank page is intimidating. The stakes feel impossibly high. Where do you even begin?

Here’s my advice, and it’s the same thing I tell every couple who asks me:

Imagine there is nobody else in the room but the two of you.

Not your guests. Not your family. Not me standing at the front with my ceremony folder. Just you and your person.

Now speak from that place.

What do you want them to know? What has loving them taught you? What do you promise them? Not in grand, sweeping terms, but in the specific, real, everyday ways that actually matter?

Think about the small things. The inside jokes you both have. The way they make you feel at your worst as well as your best. The ordinary moments that somehow feel extraordinary because they’re shared.

Some questions to get you started

If you’re staring at a blank page, try answering some of these:

• What was the moment you knew this was the person you wanted to marry?

• What do you love most about them — not the obvious things, the real things?

• How have they changed you or your life?

• What do you promise them — in the big ways and the small ones?

• What do you want them to feel as they listen to your words?

You don’t have to answer all of these. You don’t even have to structure your vows as answers. But sometimes the right question unlocks everything.

How long should personal vows be?

There’s no set rule, but as a guide — around one to two minutes when spoken aloud is a lovely length. That’s roughly 150 to 300 words.

Long enough to say something meaningful. Short enough that every word counts.

If you write more than that, edit. Read it aloud and see what you can’t bear to cut - those are the lines that matter most.

Should they be serious or funny?

Both are wonderful. Only you know which feels true to your relationship.

I’ve stood at the front of ceremonies where personal vows have brought an entire room to tears - those deeply moving, quietly devastating promises that make everyone feel they’ve witnessed something rare and precious.

And I’ve stood at the front of ceremonies where the vows have made the room erupt with laughter - a perfectly timed joke, a lovingly delivered roast, a promise so specific and so perfectly them that the guests are laughing and crying simultaneously.

Neither is better. The best vows simply sound like you.

What if I’m not a natural writer?

Then don’t try to write like one.

The most moving vows I’ve ever heard weren’t beautifully crafted pieces of prose. They were honest. They were specific. They were real. They used the words that person actually uses in real life, not the words they thought they were supposed to use.

If you’re stuck, try speaking your vows out loud before you write them down. Talk to a voice note on your phone. Say what you want to say to your partner, then transcribe it. You might be surprised how naturally the words come when you stop trying to make them perfect.

Should we keep our vows secret from each other?

Most couples do - and I’d recommend it. There’s something magical about hearing your partner’s words for the very first time in that moment, in that room, surrounded by the people you love most.

It also means you can’t accidentally mirror each other’s promises, which tends to happen when couples share in advance.

If you’re worried about matching length or tone, you can tell each other roughly how long your vows are - but keep the words between you and your celebrant until the day.

A final thought

The groom I mentioned at the beginning of this blog - the one whose tears set off the whole room - told me afterwards that he’d rewritten his vows four times. That he’d nearly given up and gone with something simpler. That standing there and saying those words to his wife was one of the hardest and most important thing he’d ever done

And that it was worth every single second.

Your vows don’t have to be perfect. They just have to be yours.

If you’re planning a humanist wedding in Scotland and would love to talk through whether personal vows are right for you, I’d love to have that conversation. I work with every couple individually to make sure their ceremony feels exactly right — including helping with vows if that’s something you’d like support with.

Get in touch here — and let’s create something unashamedly and unequivocally you.

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Sam Conroy is a humanist wedding celebrant and registered Legal Marriage Officer based in North Lanarkshire, legally authorised through the Fuze Foundation under the Marriage (Scotland) Act 1977. She covers Edinburgh, Glasgow and all of Scotland.