Being a Bride in Your Forties - Nobody Tells You This Bit

By Sam Conroy, Humanist Wedding Celebrant | Edinburgh, Glasgow and all of Scotland

I got married at 44.

And while I wouldn’t change a single thing about my wedding day, I will say this - nobody really prepares you for what being a bride in your forties actually involves.

I'm not talking about the emotional bits. Or the deeply meaningful bits. I mean the other bits. The bits your younger self absolutely did not see coming.

So consider this my gift to every woman over 40 who is currently planning her wedding and wondering if she’s the only one feeling this way.

You are not. I promise you. You are absolutely not.

The Dress Shopping Reality Check

It starts in the bridal boutique.

In your head, you walk in as Gigi Hadid. You genuinely believe this. You’ve been doing really well lately. Having a wee pepermint tea instead of a glass of wine. Going to the gym more often, watching what you're eating. You are feeling good. You’re ready for this moment.

Then you put the dress on.

And your body - your wonderful, magnificent, absolutely ruthless body - delivers a reality check so swift and so thorough that you briefly consider just paying someone to be you for the day.

It's the layers. The extra layers that have absolutely no excuse because it’s not even winter. You cannot blame the cold. They are simply there. Waving at you in the mirror. Completely unbothered.

In your head you were a size eight. In the mirror you are having a completely different conversation.

The Bingo Wings Debate

This deserves its own section because it takes up approximately three months of your life.

Sleeves or no sleeves. That is the question.

You try on dresses with sleeves. You try on dresses without. You google “wedding dresses that hide arms.” You ask your bridesmaids. You ask your mum. You ask strangers on the internet. MumsNet. You might even post anonymously, on the bridal pages (I'm not saying that's what i did, but.......)

Eventually you make a decision and then immediately second guess it for at least, another six weeks.

This is completely normal. You are not alone.

The Peri Belly

Nobody warned me about this one. So I'm warning you!

They've even tried to give it a cute name. The menopause pouch. THE POUCH. As if giving it an adorable name makes it any less of a shock when it appears uninvited in your wedding dress fitting.

The 'perimenopause belly' is a specific and particularly cheeky phenomenon whereby your body decides - right around the time you need to fit into the most important dress of your life - to completely redistribute everything you thought you knew about yourself, to one single area. I'm not being dramatic.

It’s not huge. It’s just........ there. Quietly and smugly rearranging itself with absolutely no regard for your wedding timeline.

Shapewear becomes your best friend. Ted Baker was mine. But you make your peace with it. You move on.

The Makeup Situation

I had a makeup trial before my wedding.

It did not go well.

I sat in the chair, watched it go on, and - with absolutely no filter whatsoever - said to the makeup artist, out loud, to her face ('I need to get a filter', said no 40 year old brain ever):

“If I look like that on my wedding day, I’m not going.”

Tumbleweed started blowing through the salon. My bridesmaids were suddenly very interested in each other.

Then I immediately realised what I had said. To another human being. Who was holding a make up brush. A very orange make up brush granted.

The next five minutes were spent attempting to backtrack with the grace of someone who had absolutely not just said that. “I’m sure it’s lovely on some people, it’s just not quite…. well, my thing.”

I found a new makeup artist. I couldn't even fess up. I told her my aunt had gifted me another make up artist as a wedding present.

I know, I know. Ma bad.

But the new one was OUTSTANDING!

The crevices were also a genuine concern. The fear that foundation would settle into places it had no business being, is very real in your forties and I will not be taking questions on this. Genuinely, I get botox on my head now for the 'sweat'.

The Bikini Wax Incident

I was going on honeymoon the week after the wedding. So naturally I decided - in what I can only describe as a moment of complete and utter madness - that a bikini wax was an excellent idea.

Oh my bejesus.

There should be a Facebook support group for women considering this. A proper one, with trained counsellors and warning leaflets.

Nobody prepares you. My arms were flailing. My legs were flailing. I nearly took the poor beautician out entirely. I've been through child birth and that was a stroll compared to this. I had to stop. I simply could not go through with it. One strip very near ripped out my soul. And my self esteem with it. No actually my self esteem was with it and may well still be sitting on that floor.

In your forties ladies? Please. Please just think very carefully about this one. Very, very carefully. Emotionally, I'm still scarred.

Staying Awake For Your Own Reception

By the time you reach your forties, 10pm on the couch with a herbal tea is not a bad night. It is a great night in fact. It's somewhat of a dream.

So the idea of not only staying up past midnight but actually being the main event while doing so is - let’s say - ambitious.

I had genuine concerns about this. Real, actual concerns that I would simply fall asleep somewhere. Or worse, be the first person to leave my own party. Could you imagine the shame?

But, i made it. And survived. And enjoyed it! With no tea in sight! I even popped champagne in our bridal suite, opened all our lovely gifts...... then couldn't remember who gave what, when I woke the next morning, but that's another story!

I learned that day that my inner 90's child, had another night in her, and was alive and kicking.

But Here Is The Thing

I got married at 44.

Wings, belly, crevices, makeup incident, bikini wax trauma, herbal tea concerns and all.

And it was the best day of my life ❤️

Because here is what your forties also give you, that your twenties simply can't.

You know who you are and you know what matters. And you know you are not performing a version of yourself for the room. You are being unequivocally and authentically you. And loving every second of it.

You are simply, completely, wonderfully yourself - on the most magical day of your life.

And there is nothing more beautiful than that.

So A Note To Every Bride Over 40 Reading This

If you are planning your wedding and worrying about the wings, the belly, the crevices, the staying awake - I see you, trust me, I was you. I am you!

And I want you to know that when you stand at that aisle, none of it will matter. Absoltuely none of it. Not for a single second. You most probably won't even think about it!

Because the person waiting for you at the end of it? They've seen the bingo wings. They know the peri belly. And they don't care if your lady garden has a beautiful border or a wild jungle.

They chose you anyway. Every single bit of you.

And if anything, they love you more for it.

What will matter is the people in the room who love you. The words you are about to say - the truest, most heartwarming words you'll ever say out loud.

That is what your wedding day is.

And I would be absolutely honoured to be part of it. ❤️

Just you, me, your beloved and of course, ............ the Pouch!

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Sam Conroy is a Humanist Wedding Celebrant and registered Legal Marriage Officer, authorised by the Fuze Foundation under the Marriage (Scotland) Act 1977.

Based in North Lanarkshire, Sam covers Edinburgh, Glasgow and all of Scotland.